blog, Thoughts, Writing

It’s hard

HOW IT ALL BEGAN:

I’ve been thinking about it and there’s this part of me which wants me to change. And this is not something that just came to me out of thin air. This was something that I’ve been contemplating on for over half a year. And I am not exaggerating it by even a bit.

It’s been in the back of my mind like a precious possession that I keep taking around with me everywhere.

Before I knew it the thought of change had become so big that it took up most of the space in my head. It also came to a point where I had begun to resist thinking about it because of the obvious denial I had as a human being who is always resistant to change. I for one am no exception to something that is so natural. It was this time for me that was the hardest I had to balance out the good versus the greed. I call it my greed cause I did want to change which was good but, I also was greedy to stay the same. Which was only because I was comfortable in my own skin.

IT HIT PRETTY HARD

And then there was this storm of realizations that hit the confused of me. They made me realize how important and significant the change I had wanted to make in myself was for me, despite my own greed. It was a necessity that I had realized but had pushed it around without implementing on it.

The worst part of it is the change itself. When you get used to something you hate for it to change. Some changes are good even though you’re used to some stuff when they change they’re good. But, some come down to be your absolute nightmare and give you such a hard time when you want to change that it almost looks like it’s absolutely impossible for something like that in you to be changed.

THE WORST PART

And what I had to change was one of those nightmares which wont go away. I went through so many ways and methods to keep up with the change I want to make. And they all just ditch me and leave me alone with that nightmare. I also had lost hope at one point but the storm of realizations had a very overwhelming impact on me. Now don’t get me wrong as far as I am concerned about myself I haven’t ever tried to change myself in a drastic way and maybe that was also a reason why it hit me pretty hard.

I mean who doesn’t like being who they already are! Am just saying maybe that was a tad bit more in me than the average human. The change that was very overwhelming had already begun to make its impact over the restraint that I showed. And to my surprise it was not a bitter feeling at all. I means sure it was new but, when I found those few small traces in me that I had been thinking about and imagining to see myself as have finally shown up though not fully but at least to a small extent and that made me happy.

The bitterness came when I found myself comparing the change to how I was. Cause the change was not too extreme but, it did scare me to think of the worst ever things that it could ever do to me. And that was not a pretty thought at all. For a bit there my decision to move forward and change myself had wavered and also had me think over and over about it. But, you know when you read something logical you get to know the real meaning behind it only after you actually practically put it to test.

And that test had come up to me with no prior notice. And when I finally used the logic in practicality there was no more of my thinking over the decision I made. It might have been really hard for me to have gotten to that point. But, that test had made me realize how important it was and how easy it is to accept the change despite all the resistance and insecurity you have. It was also a very happy moment for me to see myself accepting the change that I was so scared of and the change that I found was so hard to make in myself. It sure isn’t easy and take my word for that. But, also take my word for it that it’s worth all the hardship you go through to achieve it.

I am no where close to the goal I set or the change I want to make in myself. But, I can tell now that I am not too far from it if I keep putting in my best into it!


 

I am not too sure why but, I felt like sharing it on my blog. If you’ve read it until the end let me know in the comments how you felt about the whole post. And here’s hoping that you have a great weekend!

– ATR –

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